It’s the holiday season once again. December is a fabulous way to conclude the year for most people, but for me it is often not the happiest and most marvelous time of the year. This is largely because my gift-wrapping skills are so unbelievably deplorable, which can be attested to by the many men, women, and children I’ve shared holiday gifts with over the years … and if I’m brutally honest … even some little beasties of the world, too. It’s true.*Hangs head in shame* Every holiday season my lack of gift-wrapping abilities leave a foul stench in the nostrils of the universe, as well as my unlucky gift recipients. 

Side note: Does anyone else wonder why this skill was not taught in school? Seriously! This is a skill most of us would clearly have to use for all gift-giving holidays, and no one ever thought to provide a class on it in Life Sciences at school. That’s outrageous!

I confess, I’ve always been bad at gift-wrapping. My oldest daughter mastered the skill early in life, (which she learned from another mother in our neighborhood) because my gift-wrapped presents for her little friends quickly became a total embarrassment for her. Now that’s she’s grown, gone, and no longer here to do my gift-wrapping, I knew I had to figure this out once and for all, and I was determined to do just that.

Things would be different this year! Yes, siree! This year my gifts would be encased in delightfully festive paper and gorgeous handmade bows and ribbons. I gathered my scissors, tape, and wrapping paper and sat down to watch some online gift-wrapping tutorials. (I knew in my heart I could do this. After all, my teachers had once lauded my ability to cut with scissors as well as fold paper. Okay. It was in first grade, but still my skills had been praiseworthy once upon a time).

The Japanese seem to have gift-wrapping down to an art form, so it was a no-brainer to start with their tutorials. There are no tears in their paper, no overlapping bulges, no ugly folds, no ragged or jagged edges to be seen in their beautifully wrapped gifts and only one piece of tape necessary to secure the entire package. Soon I’d have a lovely present wrapped just like theirs.

I figure I’d start with the blankets I’d bought for my two sweet little doggy granimals.

Three hours later, my eyes had glazed over and I was seriously contemplated poking them out with the scissors I held in my hand. What is up with the Japanese people? For crying out loud! You would have to be a Rhodes Scholar to master their gift-wrapping techniques! There should have been a warning in the tutorials that one would first have to learn origami in order to wrap presents their way. For the love of Pete!

My spirit had not been broken, (just yet, but bear with me, it will be) so undeterred I pressed on turning my attention to a smaller present for a friend and the Japanese Furoshiki method of wrapping in a square piece of cloth. Why not, I thought, It’s versatile and environmentally friendly. I have a bandana I can spare. An hour later I realized I had failed again.

This is what it is supposed to look like:

This is what I ended up with:

What was I to do now? I still had to wrap the dogs’ blankets and get them in the mail. Realizing I had destroyed every bit of wrapping paper I had in the house, I went to the recycling bin and found some colorful newspaper and tackled the task. It did not end well either.

When the hubster came home and saw the gifts on the table, he asked me if I had been angry at the presents I was wrapping or if I had just drunk too much eggnog. Then he snickered like a horse at my Furoshiki bandana wrapping attempt and asked me if I had decided to go on the road as a hobo.

After telling the hubster to get lost, (perhaps in slightly crasser language then that) I stared at my Frankenstein gift-wrapping job. How happy would I be if I make my gifts looked even just common instead of atrocious, downright repulsive, and execrable!

Which brings us to the writer’s word of the week. EXECRABLE! A word meaning utterly detestable, abominable, abhorrent, horrible, sickening, or odious. You catch my drift?

I am pretty sure I know how this word originated. Someone took the words excrement and crap, creatively combined them, and put the letters b-l-e at the end of it to get execrable. And my poor little gift did indeed look EXECRABLE!

Long story short, I stuck the dogs’ blankets in an old Amazon box and posted them without any wrapping paper. (Grams is sorry and she loves you despite what you may think Sky and Mac)!

Whatever.

I must face the fact I am not good at gift-wrapping, and I can say with absolute certainty that gift-wrapping is not—nor will it ever be—the pinnacle of my ambitions. Besides, at this point, I’m pretty sure not even Martha Stewart can help me, so I’m driving to the mall and paying to have someone there wrap my gifts from now on. Then the spirit of the holidays will remain magically intact for everyone concerned.

Happy Holidays family, friends (and random people who read this blog) and to all a good night! xox

L. L.